I have this rather irksome tendency to hide my anxiety behind a smile.

And when I feel helpless I make a joke. I personally don’t like this trait, it makes me seem somewhat callous.

I have felt like this all weekend, trying to make jokes when all we got were text messages, assurances of being ok. attempted phone calls with instructions and orders and queries and questions.

Keeping your head above water might be a funny thing when you think about it, but that’s because its happening in your head, it’s a different ball game when its happening in your own house.

I sometimes forget how preposterously lucky I am. I don’t own much by way of possessions, but that is by choice, I have the luxury to choose to not have much.

Others don’t have much because it just gets taken away. Its quite silly to forget that difference.

Other than being cryptic, I am glad that my family in the Philippines is ok, between mobile phones running out of battery, phonelines going down and my effing internet going insane its been a bit surreal, worrying about family and living my fortunate life with the terrible, cynical part of my mind quipping ‘at least I can swim’.

I have read the news reports, folks have sent photos of Araneta, Makati, and hell even the Fort submerged in water and hell, at least nature’s terrible fury is somewhat democratic, hits the poor and the rich alike. Although while those with means would watch their cars drift away in the current, others watched their entire homes drift by in a floating mass of corrugated iron and old wooden boards.

I have also read about the government’s inadequate ability to help its own people out. Gloria has never sounded more theatrical, but the whole point about theatrics is that none of the sentiment is ever real.
It was shocking to watch the floundering efforts of the US to help its own in the aftermath of Katrina, how much more tragic to feel somewhat unsurprised that it would happen in the Philippines too?

There was even an extremely scathing quote from Mario Taguiwalo, from the National Institute for Policy Studies:

"The root cause is you have a government whose predominant preoccupation is with graft and corruption … If your officials are not motivated to serve and just motivated to steal, then that's the kind of response you get." (Reuters)

You know what, that statement made me feel bile in the back of my mouth because as horrible as it is to say, it is nonetheless true.

It is so horribly true that I was actually hesitant to send money over because I doubted the veracity and transparency of our remittance system, let alone the true motives of some of the aid organisations over there asking for money.

I will tell you know that I am sick to my stomach with my own behaviour – it has digested too much bullshit and its hardened me up into stone.

Natural Disasters happen quite often, they suck, there is very little we can do about it, you can’t argue with the sky, the sea or the land when its in a temper.

That doesn’t mean I’m not going to be sending giant balik bayan boxes filled with god knows what, because towels and cans of food make people smile as much as a barbie does.

I hate the system and I hate being far away where I feel comically, tragically helpless to do anything, where the impact of what’s happened only hits after connectivity is re-established and the mobile phone networks clear up.

But I still want to help, I still want to let the people I care about know that I am thinking about them, and not just the situation like some academic theory to smarm about in leather chairs over a glass of brandy.

I’m sorry that I seem to not care, I’m sorry I make cheesy jokes and I’m sorry that I lose faith in trying to help. I have always loved my own and my people regardless of my cynicism, I should remember it more often.

So I’ll help a little bit, and see how we go from there.
I love you all, take care and be safe, we will do our best from our end to help.


(also posted on facebook)